Do Working Moms Really Prefer Part-Time Jobs?
Interesting article...
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/16/do-working-moms-really-prefer-part-time-jobs/
December 16, 2011
By KJ DELL’ANTONIA
The National Marriage Project released an optimistic report this week on marital satisfaction and parenthood. Because “When Baby Makes Three” was edited by the director of the project, which aims to promote marriage by identifying “strategies to increase marital quality and stability,” and by the Director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, which seeks to increase “the proportion of children growing up with their two married parents,” this is not a report that focuses on numbers showing that marital happiness decreases among parents. It’s a report that looks at why that’s not true for a “substantial minority of husbands and wives.”
The result is a nice list of things successful married couples who aren’t made miserable by their kids do for and with one another. Tara Parker Pope wrote about it for last Sunday’s Times Magazine (“The Generous Marriage”). But hidden beneath the advice for couples was a section on the way social and cultural factors that are difficult for an individual to control impact marital/parental happiness. The less affluent and educated you are, the more likely you are to divorce. The more debt you have, and the more day-to-day worries about money, the less likely you are to describe yourself as “very happy” in your marriage (I recognize that this is not a surprising statistic). And if you’d prefer to work “part time” but find yourself instead working “full time,” then women, especially, are significantly more likely to be unhappy with their marriage (and presumably with life in general).
But why do so many women say they’d prefer to work part time in the first place? I spoke briefly to W. Bradford Wilcox and asked him how the question was phrased. What 58 percent of women responding to the Survey on Marital Generosity really said was that that they preferred to work, not “part time” per se, but 34 hours a week or less (only 20 percent of men said the same). That’s not a result that’s unique to this survey: a 2009 Pew survey on workplace demographics found that 61 percent of mothers with young children would prefer to work part time. My former colleague at Slate’s XXFactor blog, Jessica Gross, was momentarily surprised by those numbers. Why, she asked, the huge contrast between what married men and women with children want?
Could it be the way they’re phrasing the question?
Both men and women want flexibility in the workplace to support our family lives. According to the Families and Work Institute’s report on the status of workplace flexibility in the United States, in 2008, 49 percent of employed men with families reported experiencing work-family conflict (up from 34 percent in 1977). The same report points out that workplace flexibility is just as important to the job satisfaction of low-wage employees as it is to high earners, and just as feasible, albeit in different ways. But the report concludes that the “culture of flexibility appears to be stagnating,” with little growth and fears among employees that taking advantage of flexibility that’s offered will interfere with their employment.
In the absence of workplace flexibility, the one way to guarantee that a job will allow you to meet the demands of family life is simple: work fewer hours. So when women tick their way through a survey on work and family in whatever form and reach the question about work hours, many of us are looking for a question that’s not there. “Thirty-four hours or less” doesn’t really represent a desire for part-time work, with its overtones of secondary and lesser roles. It represents a desire for something “other.”
Into that desire comes so much of what we’ve been talking about lately at Motherlode: issues of available, affordable child care, health care, safe housing and even healthy school meal programs. With those things, the need for shorter hours wanes. Without them — if, like Soni Sangha, your child is one of the nearly 10,000 kids who don’t get a slot at any of the public pre-K programs in New York City (where 28,817 applicants vie for 19,834 positions) — 34 hours or less is suddenly the only viable option. (Read about Sangha, who created a co-op pre-K for her son, and investigated the legal status of other parents who’ve done the same, here.)
Of parents who want to work, do more moms than dads really want to work part time? Or have women just accepted a reality that working fewer hours in the absence of true workplace flexibility for both parents is more conducive to a smooth family life? Would fewer work hours make you happier, or is it the flexibility of the hours that counts?
1/3/12
Womens Health Forum This Friday!!
A long-time champion for women’s health, Congressman Chris Murphy is hosting a Women's Health Forum this Friday, January 6th from 12pm-1:30pm. Congressman Murphy, along with his panel of highly distinguished guests, will discuss the recent women’s health and reproductive rights victories and setbacks in Washington. The Forum will be held in the Old Judiciary Room of the Capitol Building in downtown Hartford. If you are interested in attending this wonderful event please RSVP to Meghan Forgione, 860-223-8412.
I have included the event specifics below and hope you all can attend!
Please Join
Congressman Chris Murphy
Dr. Kristen Zarfos, St. Francis Hospital
Teresa Younger, Executive Director PCSW
Christian Miron, Executive Director NARAL Pro-Choice CT
to discuss recent women’s health and reproductive rights victories and setbacks in Washington.
A long-time champion for women’s health, Congressman Murphy is the author of a provision of the new health care law which establishes into law federal offices of women’s health.
Old Judiciary Room
Capitol Building
210 Capitol Ave
Hartford, CT
12 pm to 1:30 pm
Friday, January 6, 2012
12/29/11
For Somali Women, Pain of Being a Spoil of War
I have to say, I've never felt so angry when reading an article. There's got to be something that can be done.For Somali Women, Pain of Being a Spoil of War
By JEFFREY GETTLEMAN
Published: December 27, 2011
MOGADISHU, Somalia — The girl’s voice dropped to a hush as she remembered the bright, sunny afternoon when she stepped out of her hut and saw her best friend buried in the sand, up to her neck.
Her friend had made the mistake of refusing to marry a Shabab commander. Now she was about to get her head bashed in, rock by rock. “You’re next,” the Shabab warned the girl, a frail 17-year-old who was living with her brother in a squalid refugee camp.
Several months later, the men came back. Five militants burst into her hut, pinned her down and gang-raped her, she said. They claimed to be on a jihad, or holy war, and any resistance was considered a crime against Islam, punishable by death.
“I’ve had some very bad dreams about these men,” she said, having recently escaped the area they control. “I don’t know what religion they are.”
Somalia has been steadily worn down by decades of conflict and chaos, its cities in ruins and its people starving. Just this year, tens of thousands have died from famine, with countless others cut down in relentless combat. Now Somalis face yet another widespread terror: an alarming increase in rapes and sexual abuse of women and girls.
The Shabab militant group, which presents itself as a morally righteous rebel force and the defender of pure Islam, is seizing women and girls as spoils of war, gang-raping and abusing them as part of its reign of terror in southern Somalia, according to victims, aid workers and United Nations officials. Short of cash and losing ground, the militants are also forcing families to hand over girls for arranged marriages that often last no more than a few weeks and are essentially sexual slavery, a cheap way to bolster their ranks’ flagging morale.
But it is not just the Shabab. In the past few months, aid workers and victims say, there has been a free-for-all of armed men preying upon women and girls displaced by Somalia’s famine, who often trek hundreds of miles searching for food and end up in crowded, lawless refugee camps where Islamist militants, rogue militiamen and even government soldiers rape, rob and kill with impunity.
With the famine putting hundreds of thousands of women on the move — severing them from their traditional protection mechanism, the clan — aid workers say more Somali women are being raped right now than at any time in recent memory. In some areas, they say, women are being used as chits at roadblocks, surrendered to the gunmen staffing the barrier in the road so that a group of desperate refugees can pass.
“The situation is intensifying,” said Radhika Coomaraswamy, the United Nations’ special representative for children and armed conflict. All the recent flight has created a surge in opportunistic rapes, she said, and “for the Shabab, forced marriage is another aspect they are using to control the population.”
In the past two months, from Mogadishu alone, the United Nations says it has received more than 2,500 reports of gender-based violence, an unusually large number here. But because Somalia is a no-go zone for most operations, United Nations officials say they are unable to confirm the reports, leaving the work to fledgling Somali aid organizations under constant threat.
Somalia is a deeply traditional place, where 98 percent of girls are subject to genital cutting, according to United Nations figures. Most girls are illiterate and relegated to their homes. When they venture out, it is usually to work, trudging through the rubble-strewn alleyways wrapped head to toe in thick black cloth, often lugging something on their back, the equatorial sun burning down on them.
The famine and mass displacement, which began over the summer, have made women and girls more vulnerable. Many Somali communities have been disbanded, and with armed groups forcing men and boys into their militias, it is often single women, with children in tow, who set off on the dangerous odyssey to refugee camps.
At the same time, aid workers and United Nations officials say the Shabab, who are fighting Somalia’s transitional government and imposing a harsh version of Islam in the areas they control, can no longer pay their several thousand fighters the way they used to. Much as they seize crops and livestock, giving their militants what they call “temporary wives” is how the Shabab keep many young men fighting for them.
But these are hardly marriages, said Sheik Mohamed Farah Ali, a former Shabab commander who defected to the government army.
“There’s no cleric, no ceremony, nothing,” he said, adding that Shabab fighters had even paired up with thin little girls as young as 12, who are left torn and incontinent afterward. If a girl refuses, he said, “she’s killed by stones or bullets.”
One young woman just delivered a baby, half Somali, half Arab. She said she was selected by a Somali Shabab fighter she knew, brought to a house full of guns and handed off to a portly Arab commander, one of the many foreigners fighting for the Shabab.
“He did whatever he wanted with me,” she said. “Night and day.” She said she escaped when he was sleeping.
The Elman Peace and Human Rights Center is one of the few Somali organizations helping rape victims, run by Fartuun Adan, a tall, outspoken woman whose husband, Elman, was gunned down by warlords years ago. Ms. Adan says that since the famine began, she has met hundreds of women who have been raped and hundreds more who have escaped forced marriages.
“You have no idea how difficult it is for them to come forward,” she said. “There’s no justice here, no protection. People say, ‘You’re junk’ if you’ve been raped.”
Often, the women are left wounded or pregnant, forced to seek help. Ms. Adan wants to expand her medical services and counseling for rape victims and possibly open a safe house, but it is hard to do on a budget of $5,000 a month, provided by a small aid organization called Sister Somalia. Ms. Adan wept on a recent day as she listened to the 17-year-old girl recount the story of seeing her friend stoned to death and then being gang-raped herself.
“These girls ask me, ‘How am I going to get married, what’s going to be my future, what’s going to happen to me?’ ” she said. “We can’t answer that.”
Some of the women in Ms. Adan’s office seem to have come from another time. They have made it here, with help from Elman’s network, from the deepest recesses of rural Somalia, where women are still treated like chattel.
One 18-year-old who asked to go by Ms. Nur, her common last name, was married off at 10. She was a nomad and says that to this day she has never used a phone or seen a television.
She spoke of being raped by two Shabab fighters at a displaced-persons camp in October. She said the men did not bother saying much when they entered her hut. They just pointed their guns at her chest and uttered two words: stay silent.
12/23/11
Happy Holidays!
In lieu of writing a blog entry this week, I simply want to wish everybody a happy holiday season, whichever holidays do or do not apply to you. I hope the next several days are safe and happy for everybody!
12/22/11
Where's the outrage over 'macho' Legos?
I thought this was an interesting perspective, which reminds me of a conversation I had with someone at our Pay Negotiation seminar. She is a native of Germany and said she was fascinated how in America items sold for girls and boys are so gender specific, particularly with colors. For girls, everything is pink or purple, for boys everything is blue or green. Kids' rooms are painted specific colors, their clothing are specific colors to identify their gender/sex. She mentioned in Germany, they don't have anything like this. After our conversation, when shopping for a friend's child, I noticed how pervasive this really is. Why do certain genders need to identify with certain colors or objects? I think I need to ponder it a bit more. What do you think?
Regardless, below is an interesting read. I do have to say, I find the narrow variety of Lego sets sold in stores frustrating.
Where's the outrage over 'macho' Legos?
by Kelly Byrom
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Apparently, some people are up in arms -- little plastic arms -- about Legos. The company announced a new line of toys designed for girls called "Friends." Yes, they're pink, but some people are more upset about the backstory attached to the main characters. Each girlfriend includes a storyline about her personality and preferences. One likes animals, another is the "social girl." And yes, some of the "friends" are defined by gender roles that can be stereotypical, like beautician and singer.
As a woman and a mother of a daughter, I should be enraged, holding up signs and burning my bra in protest that Lego assumes my daughter must have pink toys, correct? How dare they assume my daughter has to limit her options to being "social' or liking animals?
But I'm also a huge fan of Lego, and grew up with the toys. I still have my treasured collection from "back in the day," including the pirate ship, the airport, the raceway, space station, the electric train ... it goes on. I am a girl, and no way would I have wanted pink or "girly" Legos when I was a kid.
But here's the thing: My five-year-old son would absolutely LOVE these. He adores all things pink, glittery and girly. What has me steamed about this story is what it says about gender roles for boys.
Are current Legos products gender-neutral? Heck NO! It's all guy ... from "Star Wars" and "Cars" to Ninjas. Even the neutral-sounding "City" line is mostly full of cars, fire engines and planes. Most of the 'mini-fig' characters that come with playsets are male. Pure macho stuff, hardly gender neutral.
So where's the outrage that our boys are pressured by overly-masculine stereotypes through building bricks?
My daughter can dress up as a ferocious dragon for Halloween and no one bats an eye. But put my boy in a Minnie Mouse costume and people start getting nervous. Not for one second did I worry about the looks we would get for my daughter this year, but you bet I was ready to challenge anyone who questioned my son. Girls have so many choices, and that's a great thing, but boys should get that same freedom.
And why are "boys toys" for everyone and "girls toys" just for girls?
We bought my son a fireman costume, one of the standard boy pretend-play outfits. He routinely pairs it with a tutu and declares himself a "fireman princess." He knows what he likes, and he's not finding it in the "boys toys" aisle.
The run-up to my son's birthday parties is always fun. His friend's parents ask what he'd like as a gift, and I list his favorite princess and fairy toys. THUD. One mom didn't hold back, saying "Well, I don't want to encourage that."
I'm not worried that he's getting mixed messages. Giving my son nothing but macho Legos while steering him clear of the "the pink aisle" boxes him into a stereotypical gender role every bit as much as a "pinked-down" version of any traditional boy toy.
When my daughter dresses up as a dragon, I don't worry she'll grow up confused about her status as human versus animal, and playing with pirate Legos won't turn my kid into Blackbeard.
So while I understand parents might not want their daughters too influenced by "girly" toys, I don't want those same "macho" limits imposed on my son. And as for the new Lego "Friends" sets, you don't have to buy them, but I will.
Regardless, below is an interesting read. I do have to say, I find the narrow variety of Lego sets sold in stores frustrating.
Where's the outrage over 'macho' Legos?
by Kelly Byrom
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Apparently, some people are up in arms -- little plastic arms -- about Legos. The company announced a new line of toys designed for girls called "Friends." Yes, they're pink, but some people are more upset about the backstory attached to the main characters. Each girlfriend includes a storyline about her personality and preferences. One likes animals, another is the "social girl." And yes, some of the "friends" are defined by gender roles that can be stereotypical, like beautician and singer.
As a woman and a mother of a daughter, I should be enraged, holding up signs and burning my bra in protest that Lego assumes my daughter must have pink toys, correct? How dare they assume my daughter has to limit her options to being "social' or liking animals?
But I'm also a huge fan of Lego, and grew up with the toys. I still have my treasured collection from "back in the day," including the pirate ship, the airport, the raceway, space station, the electric train ... it goes on. I am a girl, and no way would I have wanted pink or "girly" Legos when I was a kid.
But here's the thing: My five-year-old son would absolutely LOVE these. He adores all things pink, glittery and girly. What has me steamed about this story is what it says about gender roles for boys.
Are current Legos products gender-neutral? Heck NO! It's all guy ... from "Star Wars" and "Cars" to Ninjas. Even the neutral-sounding "City" line is mostly full of cars, fire engines and planes. Most of the 'mini-fig' characters that come with playsets are male. Pure macho stuff, hardly gender neutral.
So where's the outrage that our boys are pressured by overly-masculine stereotypes through building bricks?
My daughter can dress up as a ferocious dragon for Halloween and no one bats an eye. But put my boy in a Minnie Mouse costume and people start getting nervous. Not for one second did I worry about the looks we would get for my daughter this year, but you bet I was ready to challenge anyone who questioned my son. Girls have so many choices, and that's a great thing, but boys should get that same freedom.
And why are "boys toys" for everyone and "girls toys" just for girls?
We bought my son a fireman costume, one of the standard boy pretend-play outfits. He routinely pairs it with a tutu and declares himself a "fireman princess." He knows what he likes, and he's not finding it in the "boys toys" aisle.
The run-up to my son's birthday parties is always fun. His friend's parents ask what he'd like as a gift, and I list his favorite princess and fairy toys. THUD. One mom didn't hold back, saying "Well, I don't want to encourage that."
I'm not worried that he's getting mixed messages. Giving my son nothing but macho Legos while steering him clear of the "the pink aisle" boxes him into a stereotypical gender role every bit as much as a "pinked-down" version of any traditional boy toy.
When my daughter dresses up as a dragon, I don't worry she'll grow up confused about her status as human versus animal, and playing with pirate Legos won't turn my kid into Blackbeard.
So while I understand parents might not want their daughters too influenced by "girly" toys, I don't want those same "macho" limits imposed on my son. And as for the new Lego "Friends" sets, you don't have to buy them, but I will.
12/21/11
A Troubled Girl Then, a Proud Woman Today
Interesting article about body image
A Troubled Girl Then, a Proud Woman Today
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/14/nyregion/from-self-hating-truant-to-young-woman-who-values-herself.html?_r=1
By MATHEW R. WARREN
Published: December 13, 2011
When Carmen Roman used to look in the mirror, she hated what she saw.
Though she was not overweight, in her eyes, she was fat. Desperate to be thinner, she exercised obsessively in her room, doing aerobics and situps. She stopped eating for long stretches of time.
“I didn’t like the way I looked,” Ms. Roman said. “I didn’t like anything about me.”
In her darkest moments, she would lock herself in the bathroom and use a straight razor to carve deep cuts into her arm, drawing blood and contemplating suicide.
“I just wanted to die; that’s what went through my mind when doing it,” she said, remembering the feeling of hopelessness that washed over her. “I thought everyone would be better off without me.”
Ms. Roman, 20, grew up in a housing project in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, the older daughter of working-class parents from the Dominican Republic. When she was 12, her parents divorced, and her father, an auto mechanic, distanced himself from the family, she said. Though she was never particularly close to him, she said, her father’s absence during her early adolescence created a void that decimated her self-esteem.
“He wasn’t really into my life,” said Ms. Roman, a petite brunette with piercing brown eyes. “He was just a figure in the house, but having him there is different than not having him there.” She added, “Especially as a female, when you don’t have a strong male figure, you tumble a lot.”
Ms. Roman started skipping school, failing classes and sneaking around with boyfriends despite her mother’s strict rules against dating. “You always want to be wanted,” Ms. Roman said. “I was so negative within myself.”
One day, a teacher noticed the cuts on her arm. Concerned she was being abused, the teacher alerted a guidance counselor, who contacted Ms. Roman’s mother.
“She was acting out, but I had no idea,” said her mother, Maria Roman, her eyes filling with tears as she recalled the shock of discovering her daughter’s physical wounds. “I was thinking: what did I do wrong?”
At the recommendation of a friend, Maria Roman sought counseling for her daughter at Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers, an affiliate of Catholic Charities Archdiocese of New York, one of the seven agencies supported by The New York Times Neediest Cases Fund. There, Ms. Roman received one-on-one sessions with a social worker, and family therapy.
“She helped me deal with my dad issues and the divorce,” Ms. Roman said. “She helped me and my mom have a better relationship. Before, we didn’t communicate at all.”
Through the counseling and the support of her family, Ms. Roman got to the root of her self-esteem issues and changed the way she saw herself. By her sophomore year at Queens Vocational and Technical High School, she had stopped being truant and had begun to excel. She made the honor roll for three consecutive years and received awards for perfect attendance.
“I’ve seen a lot of friends drop out, get pregnant,” she said. “I didn’t want to be like that.”
Ms. Roman enrolled in the Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers’ college preparatory program and set her sights on the next big step in her life. Advised by a counselor, she applied to Pennsylvania State University and was accepted.
“When she graduates, that’s going to be my prize,” said Maria Roman, a factory worker at a packaging plant, looking proudly at her daughter.
Scholarships and grants cover about half of Ms. Roman’s $28,000 a year tuition. For her other expenses, including all of her room and board, she has had to take out loans. This year, to help Ms. Roman with the cost of books, Catholic Charities drew $425 from the Neediest Cases Fund.
Ms. Roman, the first person in her family to graduate high school, is now a sophomore, but she said a sense of self-worth has been her greatest accomplishment so far.
She plans to major in psychology; she said she wanted to help others struggling emotionally.
“You have to have the courage to look yourself in the mirror and say, I’m going down the wrong road,” Ms. Roman said. “You have to be willing to let yourself open up and talk to someone. Don’t give up; there’s always someone out there who can help you.”
Today, when Ms. Roman looks in the mirror, she likes what she sees.
“I definitely see a different person,” she said. “I can tell I’ve grown. Now, I feel worthy.”
A Troubled Girl Then, a Proud Woman Today
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/14/nyregion/from-self-hating-truant-to-young-woman-who-values-herself.html?_r=1
By MATHEW R. WARREN
Published: December 13, 2011
When Carmen Roman used to look in the mirror, she hated what she saw.
Though she was not overweight, in her eyes, she was fat. Desperate to be thinner, she exercised obsessively in her room, doing aerobics and situps. She stopped eating for long stretches of time.
“I didn’t like the way I looked,” Ms. Roman said. “I didn’t like anything about me.”
In her darkest moments, she would lock herself in the bathroom and use a straight razor to carve deep cuts into her arm, drawing blood and contemplating suicide.
“I just wanted to die; that’s what went through my mind when doing it,” she said, remembering the feeling of hopelessness that washed over her. “I thought everyone would be better off without me.”
Ms. Roman, 20, grew up in a housing project in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, the older daughter of working-class parents from the Dominican Republic. When she was 12, her parents divorced, and her father, an auto mechanic, distanced himself from the family, she said. Though she was never particularly close to him, she said, her father’s absence during her early adolescence created a void that decimated her self-esteem.
“He wasn’t really into my life,” said Ms. Roman, a petite brunette with piercing brown eyes. “He was just a figure in the house, but having him there is different than not having him there.” She added, “Especially as a female, when you don’t have a strong male figure, you tumble a lot.”
Ms. Roman started skipping school, failing classes and sneaking around with boyfriends despite her mother’s strict rules against dating. “You always want to be wanted,” Ms. Roman said. “I was so negative within myself.”
One day, a teacher noticed the cuts on her arm. Concerned she was being abused, the teacher alerted a guidance counselor, who contacted Ms. Roman’s mother.
“She was acting out, but I had no idea,” said her mother, Maria Roman, her eyes filling with tears as she recalled the shock of discovering her daughter’s physical wounds. “I was thinking: what did I do wrong?”
At the recommendation of a friend, Maria Roman sought counseling for her daughter at Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers, an affiliate of Catholic Charities Archdiocese of New York, one of the seven agencies supported by The New York Times Neediest Cases Fund. There, Ms. Roman received one-on-one sessions with a social worker, and family therapy.
“She helped me deal with my dad issues and the divorce,” Ms. Roman said. “She helped me and my mom have a better relationship. Before, we didn’t communicate at all.”
Through the counseling and the support of her family, Ms. Roman got to the root of her self-esteem issues and changed the way she saw herself. By her sophomore year at Queens Vocational and Technical High School, she had stopped being truant and had begun to excel. She made the honor roll for three consecutive years and received awards for perfect attendance.
“I’ve seen a lot of friends drop out, get pregnant,” she said. “I didn’t want to be like that.”
Ms. Roman enrolled in the Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers’ college preparatory program and set her sights on the next big step in her life. Advised by a counselor, she applied to Pennsylvania State University and was accepted.
“When she graduates, that’s going to be my prize,” said Maria Roman, a factory worker at a packaging plant, looking proudly at her daughter.
Scholarships and grants cover about half of Ms. Roman’s $28,000 a year tuition. For her other expenses, including all of her room and board, she has had to take out loans. This year, to help Ms. Roman with the cost of books, Catholic Charities drew $425 from the Neediest Cases Fund.
Ms. Roman, the first person in her family to graduate high school, is now a sophomore, but she said a sense of self-worth has been her greatest accomplishment so far.
She plans to major in psychology; she said she wanted to help others struggling emotionally.
“You have to have the courage to look yourself in the mirror and say, I’m going down the wrong road,” Ms. Roman said. “You have to be willing to let yourself open up and talk to someone. Don’t give up; there’s always someone out there who can help you.”
Today, when Ms. Roman looks in the mirror, she likes what she sees.
“I definitely see a different person,” she said. “I can tell I’ve grown. Now, I feel worthy.”
12/20/11
Last Minute Shopping Hints!!
With only 5 days until the big day, crunch time has arrived! As we all are scurrying to get those final gifts, the below article highlights a few practical tips & personal lessons that remind us that the real meaning of Christmas isn't based on the amount of money we spend!
Justine Rivero, Contributor
Forbes Women
How I Blew $1,000 and Ruined Christmas: 3 Lessons on Giving Gifts
Justine Rivero, ContributorForbes Women
It cost me $1,000 to figure out the meaning of Christmas. With less than a week before the big day and crunch time closing in on panicked shoppers, take a few of the lessons I learned on the art of giving.
My first job out of college, I spent nearly $1,000 on Christmas presents for my boyfriend. It was a financially hopeless gesture that went straight to my credit card, but what can I say, I’m a hopeless holiday romantic. However, when I didn’t find a similarly priced Golden Retriever puppy under the tree, I sulked for weeks over the disappointment and stressed for months over the debt.
Somewhere between being a bright-eyed tyke showered with presents from Dad and Mom and growing up and affording gifts ourselves, what happened to our approach to giving?
Returning, re-gifting and reselling unwanted gifts is less of a holiday faux pas these days. In fact, an American Express survey found that 79% of consumers deem re-gifting socially acceptable during the holidays. After all, shouldn’t we give and get what we really want for Christmas?
In our last few days before Christmas, how can we think about gifts meaningfully? Here are three lessons, learned $1,000 in debt later, to take with you on your last-minute shopping spree.
1) More expensive doesn’t mean better. The year I spent a grand on Christmas presents, the gift my boyfriend talked about the most wasn’t the Lakers tickets or designer watch I got him. I saw the childlike wonder on his bearded face the night I took him to an outdoor park for a public screening of his favorite Will Ferrell flick, complete with hot chocolate and popcorn. While I thought Kobe or Dolce & Gabbana would steal his heart, I should’ve realized that all it took to make him happy was food and Ferrell. In this last week of rushed Christmas shopping, it’s easy to overspend on gifts we didn’t think through (hello, re-gift closet) or charge over-budget purchases on credit (hello, debt). But spending a significant amount of money can’t compensate for spending a significant amount of time thinking through a truly great present.
2) Give whimsy, not practicality. When the Hummer H2 debuted its monstrous frame, my Dad covetously pointed out every single one on the road, especially the obnoxious yellow ones. For Christmas that year, my brothers and I got him a sunshine-colored Hummer H2– the remote control car version. By sunset Christmas Day, Dad had crashed into the neighbor’s mailbox, ran over Mom’s rose garden, and repeatedly mentioned how smart his children were to not impose the real gas guzzler on him. Sure, Aunt Sue was planning on getting a new crock pot anyway and your brother is in desperate need of new winter boots. But the memorable gifts are the ones that your loved ones want but won’t necessarily buy for themselves. In what small way can your humble Christmas present make a wish come true?
3) Take yourself out of the Christmas equation. Admit it: when you give something, you’re expecting an equally great thing in return. When I expected an expensive puppy in return for the basketball tickets and designer duds I gave, I turned gift-giving into a practice of finding “stuff” of equal thoughtfulness, price and value. Plain and simple, it was selfish, and it turned the magic of gift giving into a financial transaction. As children, our parents showered us with Christmas presents even though all we had to give in return was a glitter-covered macaroni ornament. How can we learn to place generosity over reciprocity? If you knew you weren’t getting anything in return, would that change what kind of present you’d give a loved one?
Not every present we will give or receive this Christmas will be perfect. There’s the inevitable reindeer-shaped bottle opener we’ll shelve ‘til next Christmas, the gift basket we’ll bring to work for co-workers to scavenge, and pricey boots in the wrong size that will end up on eBay.
While we can’t control what we’ll get for Christmas, we can decide how we will give.
In consideration of financially-strapped loved ones, maybe next year you can plan a Secret Santa so they won’t have to buy gifts for 20 family members. Or skip physical gifts entirely, and make a donation to a charity in your loved one’s name through sites like Just Give and CharityChoice Gift Cards. Another do-good alternative is Kiva, which allows you to fund a microloan on behalf of your loved one for impoverished entrepreneurs across the globe.
So what happened to that $1,000 Christmas debt? I paid it off by the following Christmas, perked up my credit score, and learned financial responsibility along the way. While it was a great learning moment, that wasn’t what made Christmas so memorable that year.
That Christmas, my apartment was too small for a Christmas tree. My childhood Christmases were always filled with the fragrance of Douglas Firs, fresh from the Santa Cruz Mountains, so a wave of homesickness hit me hard. One night, I walked into my boyfriend’s apartment to find his living room wall covered in rainbow Christmas lights, strung up in the shape of a Christmas tree. A homemade feast of my favorites awaited me: dill and feta-stuffed salmon, mushroom risotto, herb focaccia bread, goat cheese studded with blueberries, and mango sherbet for dessert. It didn’t have a price tag, but it was worth far more than any $1,000 gift I could give.
Learning to truly appreciate the person behind the gift—that’s what Christmas means to me now.
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