A Troubled Girl Then, a Proud Woman Today

Interesting article about body image

A Troubled Girl Then, a Proud Woman Today

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/14/nyregion/from-self-hating-truant-to-young-woman-who-values-herself.html?_r=1

By MATHEW R. WARREN
Published: December 13, 2011

When Carmen Roman used to look in the mirror, she hated what she saw.

Though she was not overweight, in her eyes, she was fat. Desperate to be thinner, she exercised obsessively in her room, doing aerobics and situps. She stopped eating for long stretches of time.
“I didn’t like the way I looked,” Ms. Roman said. “I didn’t like anything about me.”

In her darkest moments, she would lock herself in the bathroom and use a straight razor to carve deep cuts into her arm, drawing blood and contemplating suicide.

“I just wanted to die; that’s what went through my mind when doing it,” she said, remembering the feeling of hopelessness that washed over her. “I thought everyone would be better off without me.”

Ms. Roman, 20, grew up in a housing project in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, the older daughter of working-class parents from the Dominican Republic. When she was 12, her parents divorced, and her father, an auto mechanic, distanced himself from the family, she said. Though she was never particularly close to him, she said, her father’s absence during her early adolescence created a void that decimated her self-esteem.

“He wasn’t really into my life,” said Ms. Roman, a petite brunette with piercing brown eyes. “He was just a figure in the house, but having him there is different than not having him there.” She added, “Especially as a female, when you don’t have a strong male figure, you tumble a lot.”
Ms. Roman started skipping school, failing classes and sneaking around with boyfriends despite her mother’s strict rules against dating. “You always want to be wanted,” Ms. Roman said. “I was so negative within myself.”

One day, a teacher noticed the cuts on her arm. Concerned she was being abused, the teacher alerted a guidance counselor, who contacted Ms. Roman’s mother.

“She was acting out, but I had no idea,” said her mother, Maria Roman, her eyes filling with tears as she recalled the shock of discovering her daughter’s physical wounds. “I was thinking: what did I do wrong?”

At the recommendation of a friend, Maria Roman sought counseling for her daughter at Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers, an affiliate of Catholic Charities Archdiocese of New York, one of the seven agencies supported by The New York Times Neediest Cases Fund. There, Ms. Roman received one-on-one sessions with a social worker, and family therapy.

“She helped me deal with my dad issues and the divorce,” Ms. Roman said. “She helped me and my mom have a better relationship. Before, we didn’t communicate at all.”

Through the counseling and the support of her family, Ms. Roman got to the root of her self-esteem issues and changed the way she saw herself. By her sophomore year at Queens Vocational and Technical High School, she had stopped being truant and had begun to excel. She made the honor roll for three consecutive years and received awards for perfect attendance.
“I’ve seen a lot of friends drop out, get pregnant,” she said. “I didn’t want to be like that.”
Ms. Roman enrolled in the Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers’ college preparatory program and set her sights on the next big step in her life. Advised by a counselor, she applied to Pennsylvania State University and was accepted.

“When she graduates, that’s going to be my prize,” said Maria Roman, a factory worker at a packaging plant, looking proudly at her daughter.

Scholarships and grants cover about half of Ms. Roman’s $28,000 a year tuition. For her other expenses, including all of her room and board, she has had to take out loans. This year, to help Ms. Roman with the cost of books, Catholic Charities drew $425 from the Neediest Cases Fund.
Ms. Roman, the first person in her family to graduate high school, is now a sophomore, but she said a sense of self-worth has been her greatest accomplishment so far.

She plans to major in psychology; she said she wanted to help others struggling emotionally.
“You have to have the courage to look yourself in the mirror and say, I’m going down the wrong road,” Ms. Roman said. “You have to be willing to let yourself open up and talk to someone. Don’t give up; there’s always someone out there who can help you.”

Today, when Ms. Roman looks in the mirror, she likes what she sees.

“I definitely see a different person,” she said. “I can tell I’ve grown. Now, I feel worthy.”