So the day I have been dreading for about five years is here: my 40th birthday. I loved turning 30, but when I hit 35, found myself still single without children, it freaked me out. I remember being 14, envisioning myself at 40 years old as a US Senator, wife to an adoring, successful husband, and mom to three kids.
I am none of those things.
I sweated my 39th birthday, which I blogged about here, as it was just a small one year away from the big one. It's funny how much is still appropos and I am still working on the same stuff-- I've been going to Weight Watchers and steadily working out (down at least 35 pounds -- probably more from my birthday last year), I've been working Match.com like it's a second job (will be having my first second date with a nice guy next week) and am digging my job more than ever. Pretty proud of the developments in the last year.
But I keep reflecting on that vision that I created for myself at the age of 14 and wonder why I have not met it, why do I not "have it all". Of course, could be that at the age of 14 my world view was pretty narrow. Recently, there have been numerous articles about women, never men, having it all. Perhaps the idea of having it all is more easily defined when you are 14 and don't really understand what that means in adult terms. In a recent conversation with a close friend, we talked about how being a 40 year old woman in today's world, is different than being a 40 year old woman in the 80s.
That seems to really be sticking with me. When I was 14, I didn't think that my work would bring me to over a dozen countries or have me working on more than 15 campaigns with a 98% success rate. When I was 14, I never thought I would be the leader of women's organizations who continue to point out the necessity of women's right to equal pay, health care and choice. When I was 14, I didn't think I'd be able to put together a 40th birthday party invitation list that had over 100 friends on it, and that was keeping it small.
Last night, as I tried on my birthday party dress and had a total melt-down my legs are not svelte gams that will turn heads, which of course meant I was completely unlovable. The 14 year old me totally popped up again on the eve of my celebration and left me feeling bewildered as to why. As I told a friend, I thought I would have it together by 40. And now of course, I'm wondering what does it really mean to have it together.
As I walked by the mirror this morning, I made the concious decision to stop the hate. Embrace my sausagey tree trunk legs, embrace my curves. And as I re-read my 39th birthday blog post from last year, I realized that this life stuff is a process-- they don't call it your life's journey for nothing.
And once again reminded myself, it's all about what I am, not what I am not.
I'm saying it again, it's all about what I am, not what I am not.
Happy Birthday to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment